Tyrrells Potato Chips

Win a ridiculous prize or £25,000!

Plus thousands of rather more sensible prizes for runners–up

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Well here they are... Just click on a pic for more info about the prize.

Win Your face on a potato!

Win The donkey ride of your life!

Win Colouring–in lessons!

Win A photo of some soil!

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Let’s look at the facts. Most people love potatoes. And most people love their own faces (hence the popularity of mirrors). However, it will anger you to learn that very few people (perhaps 12) have ever bothered to get up off their idle “back ends” and affix a picture of their face directly on to this versatile tuber.

ZERO AMBITION!

That’s why we’re giving you the chance to win a potato on which we’ve lovingly attached an image of your facial area. Think of it as an attractive paperweight or personalised quite–hard mini rugby ball type thing. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a medium–sized potato with an image of your face on it, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Tyrrells cannot take responsibility for the potato shrivelling hideously to such a degree that your “potato face” inspires contemplation of a future “real face” that you may not be ready to deal with (horribly puckered).
3. Similarly, Tyrrells cannot be held responsible for any sprouts that may “burst forth” from your nose or eyes (on the potato face).
4. If using the potato as a weird rugby ball, please note that it is not of official size and weight and therefore must not be used in professional tournaments, e.g. the Six Nations Cup.

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It was recently claimed that the act of clambering atop a small–ish horse–style mammal for a spot of highly supervised beach trottery is “practically the best thing since sliced egg”. A bold contention, but one with which we agree 90–95%.

GIDDY UP!

So, we’ve decided to take this leisure act to the next level. We’re giving you the chance to win a high–octane pleasure–gallop along the beaches of Bognor, on some sort of demented wild ass–type creature. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a pleasure–gallop along Bognor Regis beach on a wild ass or similar, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The gallop will be supervised by a local boy who will be fully trained on the morning of the event.
3. Riding equipment will be provided (hat, horse chair thing, breeches) but the winner must provide their own sandwiches (ham), which must be shared 50/50 with the local boy.
4. The end of the pleasure–gallop will be heralded by a man dressed as a town crier who will shout: “Stop this madness immediately!”

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Despite their best efforts, young children are extremely poor at colouring–in. Even when they try really really really hard — the results are erratic and dismally ill–judged. What a shame!

THEY GO OVER THE LINES

The problem is that less than 30% of people have received any formal training in this oft–overlooked craft form. But we’re planning on changing that statistic (very slightly). We’re giving you the chance to win colouring–in lessons, or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: four colouring–in lessons or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The winner will be taught colouring–in to a standard that’s the equivalent to an HND in business studies — but in colouring–in.
3. Felt–tip pens will be provided. Crayons will not be permitted as frankly they are childish.
4. The course will culminate in quite a hard exam (five hours), so be warned!

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We’re all familiar with soil, the upper layer of earth in which plants grow. But how many of us have yearned to proudly display a clod of this miraculous brown–coloured life–crumble in the home — only to be deterred by inevitable muck stains? Exactly. Some of us.

HEAVEN AND EARTH

So, we’re giving you the once–in–a–lifetime chance to win a framed photograph of some soil — the perfect addition to any mantelpiece where it will act as a charming reminder of the importance of, well… soil. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a framed photograph of some soil or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Our photographer will be happy to include the winner’s choice of prop in the picture, for example a cherished trowel or a handful of snails.
3. Unfortunately, due to a phobia, we are unable to accommodate gnomes.
4. The winner will be able to choose any frame they like — within reason. Ornate baroque–style frames — the sort that you’d imagine in home of an 18th–century French dandy — can be quite expensive.


Win The eyesight of a stoat!

Win An awkward head massage!

Win A tattoo of your boss!

Win A polite ticking off!

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The vast majority of Britons regularly make themselves physically ill by eating over five kilos of raw carrots per sitting in a desperate attempt to attain night vision. This “plague o’ the nation” must be stopped before someone faints to death… or worse!

OH, EYE SEE

That’s why we’re giving you the chance to win some sort of goggle thing that mimics the vision of a stoat — i.e. improves your vision when it’s dark; worsens it slightly when it’s light (sorry, such is the burden of stoathood!) Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: some sort of goggle thing that roughly imitates what we believe to be the vision of a stoat, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Due to the conspicuous/protruding nature of the goggle thing, the winner is discouraged from wearing it in the following scenarios: funeral, dentist’s chair, marital dispute (level three and above), hand combat.
3. The prize does not include a stoat costume and will not help the winner impersonate a stoat in order to infiltrate some sort of illegal stoat gang, for example.
4. Despite the names of the two animals rhyming, neither stoats nor goats have a love of poetry.

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Are you uncomfortable in the close presence of people you barely know? Are you ill at ease with physical contact, prone to embarrassment and generally quite self–conscious? If so, then you will adore this prize.

LOVINGLY ADMINISTERED

We’re giving you the chance to have your scalp “kneaded” in a slow, rhythmical manner by the elderly father of a close acquaintance, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: Tyrrells will organise for the winner to have their scalp massaged by quite an old man, or £25,000 in cash — whichever they’d prefer.
2. If the elderly father of a close acquaintance is not available, his place will be taken by a specially trained lookalike.
3. While we will do our utmost to ensure the quality of the lookalike, we can only guarantee resemblance in the following areas: age (within 25 years), height (within one metre), legs (two), hair (yes/no).
4. We regret to inform you that by sheer coincidence all our lookalikes have a really annoying laugh.

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Do you have a boss? Do you adore your boss? Do you want your boss to know you adore your boss? Are you gunning for a monumental and unprecedented pay rise? Yes to all? Then do we have a prize for you? (Clue: the answer’s “yes”.)

PERMANENT POSITION

We’re giving you the chance to prove your commitment while simultaneously exhibiting a mild aura of unhingedness, which can be extremely useful in the workplace. Yes, we’re giving you the chance to win a tattoo of your boss. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: as we have been strongly discouraged from giving away an actual tattoo, the prize is the application of a henna tattoo of your boss or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The tattoo must cover the entirety of the winner’s back and they must promise always to wear a thin, light–coloured shirt in the workplace.


3. The design must depict the face of the boss only, and they must be pulling a “tearful yet aggressive” expression.
4. Tyrrells take no responsibility for how the winner’s friends, colleagues and, indeed, boss react to the tattoo.

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If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being a small child, then the chances are you’ve been on the receiving end of at least several rollockings. Furthermore, it’s likely that as much as 28% of them have been of the “right royal” variety. Oh dear!

YOU POOR THING!

To redress the balance slightly, we’re giving you the chance to win a refreshingly gentle rebuke — administered by a highly trained “dad–alike”. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose to take a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a polite ticking off by a specially trained Tyrrells representative, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The winner will be required to respond to the rebuke with the words “Sorry Dad”, despite it being unlikely that the Tyrrells representative is their actual father.
3. In fact, our representative will probably be Cath from Marketing.
4. The winner will be given an audio recording of the light reprimand as well as a photograph of their own reaction (facial), signed by our representative.


Win A marsupial of your choice!

Win Your own theme tune!

Win A night with an Italian man!

Win “Des” as a middle name!

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Up to 100% of English adults have seriously considered adopting some sort of marsupial–type animal (a wombat, let’s say) and then rearing it much like one would rear a hairy child.

HELLO POSSUMS!

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to win the next best legal prize — a charming stuffed toy that looks quite similar to your very favourite marsupial. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a soft toy that looks like your favourite marsupial or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The “marsupial’s pouch” may or may not contain another “marsupial”. And that “marsupial” (the one that may or may not be in the “pouch”) may or may not have a “pouch” of its very “own” etc.
3. Some examples of marsupials for your records: kangaroos, koalas, possums, wombats and Tasmanian devils.
4. And bandicoots. We almost forgot.

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There was a time when getting a job was simply a matter of having a briefcase and acceptable breath. These days many of your fellow applicants will have a piece of white A4 paper showing full details of their employment history. Typed! How in the name of Sod are you supposed to compete with that?

SINGING YOUR PRAISES

Well, we’ll tell you — with a highly contagious piece of music specifically created to exaggerate your capabilities while casually brushing over a myriad of ineptitudes. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a bespoke theme tune specially written about the winner or £25,000 in cash — whichever they’d prefer.
2. The chorus must feature quick–fire repetition of the winner’s full name followed by the word “ooh”. E.g. Lee Russell Anderson, Lee Russell Anderson, Lee Russell Anderson, ooh! etc.
3. The winner will be called upon to perform a highly rhythmical “rap” as part of the middle section.
4. Sadly the lyrics to the verse of the theme tune may or may not remotely rhyme at all.

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What with their large, black sunglasses and tendency to live with their parents, Italian men have long been a source of intrigue, fascination and allure.

YOUR CURIOSITY SATISFIED

Which is why we’re giving you the opportunity to spend up to three hours of quality time in the close presence of a human male who was born and/or raised in the country of Italy. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a night (or, more accurately, up to three hours on a weekday evening) in the close presence of an Italian man or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. There must be no physical contact between the prizewinner and the Italian man.
3. The prizewinner must prepare a series of questions for the Italian man e.g. What is it like being an Italian man? How long have you been an Italian man? How is tortellini constructed? etc.
4. The Italian man will be accompanied by a multilingual bouncer (semi–professional) for the twin purposes of translation and security.

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At some point in your life you will have known and envied someone whose parents had the courage and vision to name them “Des”.

THE UNFAIR ADVANTAGE

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to “trade in” any lacklustre middle name you might currently be burdened with (Peter, Thora) for the devastatingly effective single–syllable name–bomb that is “Des”. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: Tyrrells will organise for the winner to have their middle name changed by deed poll to “Des” or £25,000 in cash — whichever they’d prefer.
2. Not redeemable for any other name, even if related/similar to Des (e.g. Desmond, Desmondé, Des’ree, Destiny’s Child etc.)
3. Tyrrells take no responsibility for the winner’s change of middle name going largely unnoticed by their family and peers.
4. If the winner already has “Des” as a middle name, they will win an additional “Des”. Making them, for example, Dr. Maureen Des Des McSurname.


Win A blasé demeanour!

Win Some inappropriate trousers!

Win An uncomfortably long handshake!

Win Joint custody of a whelk!

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Do you approach life with vigour and vim? Are you excitable, vivacious and unfailingly positive? Do you find this rather tiring? Does it make you exhausted, docile and deeply depressed? Fret not! There is light at the end of the funnel.

WHATEVER TREVOR!

We’re giving you the chance to become blissfully indifferent about the world around you, and for this to be alarmingly obvious to your family, friends and colleagues. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: one–to–one lessons in How To Be Blasé, given by our nonchalance expert, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Modules include Sighing Your Way To Success, Tactical Yawning, and the highly effective: Responding To Questions From Senior Colleagues By Staring Into The Distance And Shrugging.
3. Bothering to turn up to any of the lessons will result in an immediate Fail.
4. Caution: this prize could lead to the winner being quite badly sacked.

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Recently, a close acquaintance of ours attended a funeral wearing multi–pocketed cargo pantaloons. Despite being shunned by the deceased’s family, she was immediately given a job by one of the congregation, which quickly blossomed into a rewarding career in the paintballing industry.

SO WRONG, IT’S RIGHT

You see, inappropriate trousers — or “wrong johns” — can change lives. Which is why we’re giving you the chance to win some slacks specially designed to be permanently unsuitable, whatever the situation. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a pair of inappropriate trousers or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The slacks in question have a 37–inch waist and 35–inch leg. If that’s too big, please just wear a belt/roll them up.
3. Belt not included.
4. Tyrrells cannot guarantee that these trousers will change your life for the better, if at all.

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It’s an upsetting fact of modern life that the great majority of contemporary handshakes are unambitious and flaccid — often culminating in what can only be described as woefully premature de–clasping.

IT’S OUT OF HAND

Which is why we’re giving you the opportunity to meet with a Tyrrells representative for what we hope to be the most intense, long–lasting and luxurious handshake experience of your life. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: an uncomfortably long handshake with a Tyrrells representative or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Eye contact must be maintained throughout each stage of the handshake (initial enthusiasm, mild awkwardness, fading smiles, despondency, physical discomfort).
3. The participants may only stop shaking hands once our independent adjudicator is satisfied enough to shriek the command: “De–clasp!”
4. Gloves will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

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Now, we’ve all tried, at some point in our lives, to adopt a whelk (the popular shell–dwelling microbeast). But the vast majority of us have found the quantity of paperwork associated with this altruistic act of mollusc mercy (AAoMM) daunting, depressing and disgusting (DDaD).

YOU’RE WHELKOME!

That’s why we’re giving you the chance to win joint custody of this increasingly misunderstood “snail o’ the seas”, sharing key life decisions such as schooling and religion with a representative of Tyrrells — probably Oliver if Oliver can be bothered. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you could take our cash prize: £25,000!

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: joint custody of a whelk or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Custody of Michael Warner (for that is the name of the whelk in question) will be shared with a representative of Tyrrells.
3. Both the winner and our representative will have equal visitation rights. Though once a month will probably be fine for the latter.
4. Should the winner and our representative disagree on any aspect of Michael Warner’s upbringing, this shall be settled with an arm–wrestling fight.


Win That dog off the telly!

Win Your weight in peeled prawns!

Win A monkey’s uncle!

Win Whistling lessons!

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A wise person once said: “It’s a dog’s life,” and in many ways they were right. But what exactly did they mean? Unfortunately, no one really knows, but what we can say for sure is that famous dogs are far more popular than dogs nobody’s even heard of.

A HOUND OF RENOWN

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to win that dog off the telly. You know, the one with all the fur that runs about the place with its ears and everything… ha ha, ah dear! Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: regrettably, we are not allowed to give away real animals. So, instead, we will offer a beautiful etching of a dog that has at some point appeared on television. Or you can choose to take £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The etching will be “mouth–delivered” by a Tyrrells representative dressed in a dog suit — as a desperate, last–ditch attempt to enhance the prize experience.
3. The representative will then attempt some dog–style tricks while dressed up (three maximum).
4. Examples of the tricks include: Beg for Mercy, 360 Can Can, Jive Handshake, Moonwalk, Wheelie, and Saying The Words “I’m A Real Dog” (in a dog voice).

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At one time or another you will have fantasised about the many benefits of owning an absolutely vast quantity of prawns that have been cooked and peeled for your convenience.

WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to win just that: your exact weight (imperial) in the only edible marine crustacean to rhyme with the first name of the third film actor to play James Bond. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: your weight in peeled prawns or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. Prawns will be delivered directly to your home in a skip.
3. Should you not be in at the time of delivery, the vast quantity of prawns will be given to your nearest neighbour for safekeeping.
4. Prawns may have previously been frozen: do not refreeze!

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People often say the phrase: “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” but very rarely do they go on to do any such thing. In fact, it’s almost as if they have absolutely no intention of becoming the brother of one of the parents of this medium–sized primate.

RELATIVELY UNHEARD OF

As a result, genuine monkey’s uncles are now rarer than things like Betamax or dragon ham. But we are doing something about that. We are giving you the chance to win one for yourself (sort of: see Ts&Cs). Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a handsome monkey toy (sadly, we’re not allowed to give away real animals) or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The winner will be able to choose the monkey’s name from a comprehensive list of over three options: “Forever” Trevor (The Monkey), Uncle McMonkeyface, Jeremy Wxyxxyyxyy (pronounced “Pickles”) and The Late Great Phillip Hedges.
3. Despite its timesaving potential, we regret that the combination name “Moncle” is not permitted (sounds too much like Michael).
4. The monkey will come complete with an authentic monkey wallet containing a dog–eared photo of some other monkeys (nieces? Nephews?), some weird crumbs (peanut shell fragments?) and a semi–realistic HGV licence (no idea).

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Whether it’s a window cleaner forcing his good mood on all and sundry, or a builder imitating a sexist wolf, whistling has long been a vital communication tool — at least as important as tap dance or Ceefax.

TOOL OF THE TRADE

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to learn to produce a whole host of sounds by the forcible expulsion of breath through a small opening formed by contracting the lips — to a semi–professional standard. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: three whistling lessons or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The winner will become a competent in various musical genres, including: Geordie Soul, Jazzy Time, Disco Legs (level 5) and “Classical”.
3. We regret to inform you that, for health and safety reasons, the musical style known as Crazy Onions is no longer a part of the syllabus.
4. The winner will also learn to whistle a host of useful distress signals, including “drowning!” and “need toilet!”


Win A pack of lies!

Win A fleeting look of contempt!

Win A day as a fictional vet!

Win An ice sculpture of your gran!

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Lies are a cheap and effective way of hoodwinking people into believing things that aren’t even true. But having to constantly come up with new untruths can lead to indigestion, or so a friend’s grandmother once overheard at the post office.

A GREAT LOAD OF NONSENSE

Luckily we have a solution. We’re giving you the chance to win a collection of cards, each featuring an excellent and handy lie, for example: “onion bhajis are shatterproof” and “bongos, if used correctly, can cure dyslexia”. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000. (That bit’s true.)

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a handy collection of cards on which we’ve printed a series of excellent lies, or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The lies vary in colour/strength from “white” to “off–white” all the way through to “appallingly barefaced”.
3. Examples of living a lie include: pretending you’re a horse for years, affecting a wheat intolerance to attract sympathy/donations, and wearing a green tunic and speaking in bad verse while mainly residing in the woods.
4. Lying can become an unconscious and destructive habit and is not endorsed by Tyrrells Crisps Ltd.

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No one likes to be continually gawked at with loathing eyes, of course they don’t. But to be on the receiving end of a short, sharp look of scorn — in controlled conditions — can really get the juices going. In fact, many recipients say they’ve never felt so alive since being born all those years ago.

IT’S A MILD INVIGORANT

That’s why we’re giving you the rare opportunity to win a repugnant glance or, as some may put it, a fleeting look of contempt. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: Tyrrells will organise for the winner to be on the receiving end of a fleeting look of contempt, or £25,000 in cash — whichever they’d prefer.
2. The Look will be carefully administered by a Tyrrells representative with a proven track record in the arena of highly directional momentary repugnance.
3. Once the winner and our representative have taken their positions, the whole experience will last no longer than 1.5 seconds.
4. The winner is advised not to blink. The Look cannot and WILL NOT BE REPEATED.

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Many people spend their afternoons lying awake dreaming of a better life, for example, that of a veterinary surgeon putting his hands up animals for cash. However, being a beast doctor isn’t all jolly japes — and you’d do well to remember it!

CREATURES AND BENEFITS

We’re giving you the chance to experience all the glamorous parts of being a vet (being near goats and so on), without any of the laborious training or horrible responsibility. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, you can choose a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a day as a fictional vet or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. The winner can choose to spend a day as an existing vet character from the world of fiction, or we can create a new persona e.g. Mr Barlow, long hair, likes Edam, etc.
3. Full veterinary uniform will be provided.
4. This uniform will be bought online therefore may turn out to be incredibly bad.

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Whether your grandmother is of the traditional style (jumbo specs, wrinkly tights) or something of a modernist (denim slacks, turtleneck), at some point you will have considered the idea of commissioning a professional sculptor to capture her likeness in ice.

BREATHTAKINGLY ORNATE

Which is why we’re giving you the chance to win an intricate (if temporary) life–size tribute to one of the women who gave birth to one of your parents. Or, in the unlikely event that you’d prefer it, a cash prize of £25,000.

Ts&Cs – PLEASE READ

1. Prize: a life–size ice sculpture of your grandmother or £25,000 in cash — whichever you’d prefer.
2. If your grandmother has passed away, our sculptor will work from a photograph.
3. If no photograph exists, our sculptor will just have to guess.
4. Note: Tyrrells accept no responsibility for the sculpture not really looking like your grandmother.